Raising Resilient Children
We recently re-discovered a variety of articles and books focussed on strengthening parent-child relationships and supporting the development of resilience in children. Reference is often made to research discussing the ‘resilience problem’ we face as a society as stress levels and anxiety, depression and feelings of being overwhelmed increase. Resilience refers to the ability to bounce back from adversity or adapt successfully to difficulties/challenges. I wanted to share some insights on how we can assist children in developing resilience.
We give children their best shot at developing resilience when we provide:
- Strong connections to adults who are both competent and caring. Relationships act as the centrepiece for resilience, for better or worse.
- Support for the development of social and emotional skills.
- Motivation to master their environment and the things that interest them.
- Opportunities to develop autonomy and to be responsible for their own decisions.
Are young children naturally resilient?
When we consider the question of whether children are born resilient or are made that way by those around them there is still some scientific dispute. The truth is that both nature and nurture likely play an important part. Each child has the capacity to be resilient, but it is undeniable that the attribute and characteristics taught to them make a significant contribution. Positive attachment, parental presence and active, engaging parental involvement lay the foundations of resilience.
Why sentiments such as “toughen up princess” damage resilience
As the old saying goes “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” indicating that facing and surviving adversity breeds strength. This is however not the only outcome, exposure to adversity or stress can result in one of 2 responses: sensitising (increasing sensitivity, anxiety and emotionality) or steeling (strengthening and better coping).
The child and teenage resiliency system is highly sensitive, and should we expose children to a developmentally inappropriate stressor or situation they are not yet able to cope with and tell them to “toughen up” we may cause harm to their resilience system or sensitise them further.
The world will provide more than enough natural challenges and stressors for children. As adults we need to be both a safe place and a place of encouragement to face these challenges. Children develop resilience as a result of the interplay between experiences related to stress/challenge (and dealing with it appropriately) and nurturance (encouragement and support – not fixing).
What about over-involved parenting?
It is a myth that we help children be more resilient by saving them from situations constantly. Children value high levels of parental involvement. The both want and need their parents to play an important part in their lives. Parental involvement is related to positive life experiences. This leads to children feeling an increase in their perceived worthiness, well-being and resilience. Children do not require inappropriate levels of control or management as this leads to decreased feelings of competency and worth.
To build resilience parents need to trust that children can and should do certain things independently. Children should be given the space and time to try, of course parents should stand by and support, but not control, take over or fix.
To win is wonderful, but what about the rest?
Competition can be positive and foster characteristics and attributes valued by many, however if achievement and winning are held as the “main” and “only” goals of an activity we may be pushing children down the negative side of the continuum in fostering resilience.
Much depends on the mindset and motivation of children when they engage in an activity and/or competition. If they compete and participate because they love and enjoy the activity it will have a more positive and beneficial outcome. They are then driven by internal motivation, and their intrinsic worth is not tied to their performance. They can view the event as an opportunity for enjoyment, growth and practice. If they do however tie their worth to winning, they are at risk for decreased engagement, creativity and enjoyment should they not win. This can lead to decreased well-being or avoidance of activities they feel uncertain about succeeding at.
The management of expectations, motivation and fostering the correct mindset in ourselves and the children we engage with is thus very important as they will most likely take their cues from us.
Building resilience
As a parent there are a few things you can focus on in order to raise resilient children.
1. Help your child develop a strong sense of identity
Talking to your children about your family history and family stories (your family identity) will help them to create a narrative about their own experiences and life. This also fosters a sense of belonging to a larger unit (The family who cares…is kind…is creative…loves adventure etc.). Linking principles and values that have been taught through lived personal experiences assist children in linking and integrating these into their own sense of self.
2. Modelling psychological flexibility
Being psychologically flexible refers to the ability to adapt to a situation with awareness, openness and focus and to take effective action while guided by your values. We can assist children to develop this by helping them in various situations to be calm, think broadly, develop curiosity, take perspective and realise they have choices. This process does not happen overnight, but grows from interactions, discussions and facing challenges together in a flexible and mindful manner.
3. Boost self-control
Discussing choices and actions calmly and communicating frequently and often. Focussing on values, patience, hard work, goals setting, time management etc. when approaching situations and remembering that they will ultimately learn from watching how you approach life.
Making decisions when emotions are calm and not heightened. This means that we, as a family, help children make decisions about different aspects (how we treat each other, social media, disagreements) when we are all calm and sticking to those decisions when things become more challenging.
Developing patience by encouraging your child to wait 10 minutes (for a treat or before checking social media) and considering if she still feels the same level of intensity that compelled a quick reaction or decision.
Ultimately children absorb wat they see modelled around them. They will learn from your reaction and decisions made so it is important to model what you want them to do.
4. Developing positive/optimistic thinking
In short research shows us that being optimistic – realistically and accurately optimistic – can change resilience. It is thus important to surround your children and our family with optimistic people and thought patterns.
Teach your children to challenge their thinking by considering a situation from all different perspectives. If they seem stuck in a negative mindset it can be useful to steer or encourage (not tell) them towards an alternative perspective, perhaps more optimistic or realistic than negative.
5. It is all about relationships
Harold B Lee once said: “The most important work we will ever do is within the walls of our own home” and this is as true today as it has even been before and it is therefore important to do the following:
- Be involved in your child’s life
- Being responsive t your child’s bids for attention and connection
- Connect and find time to communicate
- Nurture the connections and unique attributes that comprise not only family, but individual (on-on-one) relationships.
Ultimately the world will provide many opportunities to develop and use resilience, and it can feel like a daunting task filled with many “shoulds” and “should nots” as parents. Trying to anticipate and prepare children for all the problems and adversities life will throw their way is a daunting task. There is however also beauty in acknowledging and trusting in the inbuilt capacity for growth, mastery and resilience within children. As parents you do not need to solve or prepare them for every problem but rather provide an environment in which you can help children to authentically and innately develop the self-confidence to face adversity with a secure self-belief that they can and will work it out and move forward.
